The Social Penetration Theory

Vocab Review

Enigma (noun) — something that is mysterious and hard to understand

Example: "I never understood why some friendships end — it was always an enigma to me."

Dissolve (verb) — to gradually come to an end

Example: "Their friendship slowly dissolved after they stopped seeing each other."

Penetration (noun) — the act of going through or into something, like a knife cutting through layers

Example: "The therapist helped him penetrate the emotional walls he had built over the years."

Intimate (adjective) — very close and personal

Example: "She only shares her problems with a small, intimate group of friends."

Distinct (adjective) — clearly separate and different

Example: "There is a distinct difference between a colleague and a best friend."

Superficial (adjective) — not deep or personal; only on the surface

Example: "They had a superficial relationship — just small talk and nothing more."

Brief (adjective) — short in time

Example: "Their conversation was brief — just a quick hello in the hallway."

Disclose (verb) — to share personal or private information with someone

Example: "She felt comfortable enough to disclose her biggest fear to her best friend."

Reciprocate (verb) — to respond to someone's action with a similar action

Example: "He told me something personal, so I reciprocated and shared something too."

Mutual (adjective) — shared equally between two or more people

Example: "Their respect for each other was mutual — they both felt the same way."

The Social Penetration Theory

Nearly half of the people in the world say they are lonely and don't know how to develop relationships with others. The problem is that social relationships can feel like an enigma. Questions like: "How did we become friends with our friends?" "How exactly did our old friendships come to an end?" and "How can we take control of all of this?" are pretty hard to answer.

Well, in the early 70s, two psychologists, Irwin Altman and Dalmas Taylor, created a theory that explains how personal relationships develop and dissolve, it's called the social penetration theory. The concept uses the idea that relationships are like an onion; to reach deeper, more intimate levels, you need to peel back the layers.

You would probably agree that the relationship you have with the cashier at the grocery store is not the same as the one you have with your best friend. But what exactly does that mean?

The Three Layers of Closeness

One key point of social penetration theory is that it claims that there are 3 distinct layers of relationships: the superficial, social, and core levels.

The Superficial Layer: 

This level refers to the type of relationship you have with people you don't really know or rarely interact with, such as the grocery store cashier or the barista at the café. The interactions in these types of relationships are focused on non-personal information like the weather, directions, or how much an item on the menu costs.

The Social Layer: 

This layer is slightly more personal. It refers to relationships you might have with someone at work, for example. You know some details about them, such as their hobbies and how they like their coffee, but nothing extremely personal. You may interact more frequently with people at this level, but the topics are still rather general and not deeply personal.

The Core Layer: 

Relationships at this level are extremely personal. They are reserved for family, partners, or best friends, the people you trust and share your secrets, fears, and most personal details with.

Now that we have an idea of what these three levels are, we can get right to the point. This theory is not just about labeling the layers of relationships; it's also about understanding exactly how relationships develop and dissolve.

Mutual Self-Disclosure

The social penetration theory claims that you cannot develop deeper relationships unless you disclose something personal about yourself, and the other person shares something equally personal; this is mutual self-disclosure. This is precisely the difference between your relationship with the cashier and your best friend; with the cashier, personal disclosure is unlikely, but between best friends, it happens regularly and deeply.

How Can We Use This Theory?

The social penetration theory is actually quite practical. First of all, the next time you want to develop a closer relationship with someone, like a colleague, boss, or potential friend or partner, you can make your efforts much more effective. For example, if you want to turn a colleague into a friend, you now know what's required. You have to thoughtfully disclose some personal information and wait for your colleague to reciprocate. Once this happens, it means that both parties are willing to deepen the relationship.

The second reason is that you can use this theory in reverse. Just as mutual disclosure deepens relationships, you can make a relationship feel less close by doing the opposite, it’s called “de-penetration.” The next time you want to put some distance between you and a colleague, or someone that you have gotten too friendly with by accident, you can wait until they disclose something personal and simply refrain from reciprocating. For instance, if you become too friendly with a colleague, just wait until they tell you something about their personal life, and give a cold reply, and do not mutually disclose.

The third reason is that you can use these layers as a practical social guide for your everyday life. The next time you're in a social situation and not sure if something is appropriate to say, ask yourself which layer you're on with that person. This will tell you exactly how open to be. We can all imagine that one person at the office who always comes off a bit awkward and overly familiar; what probably makes them come off as awkward is that they are mixing up the layers (telling overly personal details), and nobody wants to reciprocate. Different relationships naturally have different levels of openness.

Thanks to the social penetration theory, relationships can feel less like an enigma and a lot more manageable.